Feeling Vulnerable Increased My Ability to Fully Receive
While going through the hell of chemo after cancer surgery, I was unable to care for myself. I relied on my husband for direct care and my daughter for interpreting all things medical. Friends helped with errand running, short loving visits, gifting me with knitted caps for my bald head.Having to experience this had me saying "thank you" over and over and over for all the instances of caring being shown me. In my award winning book, My Ticket to Ride: From Cancer to Flourishing, I wrote about how allowing myself to deeply feel this love changed me from believing I always had to be the giver, and then receive the thank you from a place of obligation - it's the polite thing to do. Now that I couldn't fulfill this role of being the in-charge-giver, I felt exceedingly vulnerable. I then realized I was being given an opportunity to change from an old, no longer-serving-me role, to something much richer, I began welcoming the feelings of wanting to override someone's care offer. I no longer could say, "Thanks, but I can do this," which was really another way of saying "I'm in charge and don't need your help." I forgave myself for wanting to override and not appear weak and useless. As I began accepting the care, I would give thanks, and allow myself to fully feel the love with which it was given. I began to accept more deeply all the love I was being shown. I felt more certain and sure of who I was becoming. I felt emotionally much stronger. Examining these feelings of fearing to appear vulnerable, opened up new awarenesses of who I wanted to be. The feelings of vulnerability were a gift, they showed me where and what I could relinquish so I could expand the joy of who I was and who I was becoming. I also realized, new healthy emotional boundaries were created through this process.
Now that I am well, 5 ½ years NED (no evidence of disease at this writing), I am recreating my life as a soul nurturing facilitator through speaking and workshops, I receive a great deal of compliments on my work. As I was taught as a child, I say “thank you” and move on. That’s part of receiving, right? Receiving allows us to build strength and refill our well after all the giving we have done. I get that. What I wasn’t getting before cancer is receiving was and is deeper than just saying thank you.
The immediate glow of knowing someone benefitted from my work was delightful. Yet, I noticed an emptiness. What was it?
I began checking to see if I had fully embraced the praise. Hmmmm, no I hadn’t. I forgave myself. When I did that I could feel the praise coming into alignment with who I am. It became a part of me.
Then I checked in to see if I recognized the praise as true for me. Many times there was no recognition of it. I forgave myself. Again, it became a part of who I was.
Another check. Am I living it? I discovered numerous times I wasn’t living it. I forgave myself. And again, a deepening of the truth of who I am took place.
Ownership check - Had I taken ownership of this praise. Again, "No." I forgave myself.
The BIG check was when I asked myself: “Did I feel this praise?” Again, "No" was often the answer. I forgave myself once again.
When I notice I am allowing myself to truly feel the receiving then I know the embracing, recognizing, living, and ownership of it is fully enriching my life beyond the surface level of "thank you." I have fully received.
©2020 Cristina Whitehawk